Author: Jess

I was restless/I was restless/I was restless/I was restless/i just want this to be good/I just want this to be good/But you don’t understand/No You don’t understand me/And I want to be understood

I don’t want to write this. And I also don’t want to think it. But I think that I’m at the point where I have to even if it means not being able to eat or move or think for the next few hours. Fuck.

Steve is not speaking to me. He is intentionally avoiding me. He says its because it hurts too much to see me and he needs not to. This all started on Saturday night when he asked if I had kissed Joe on Thursday and I said yes bcause I wasn’t going to lie about it. So he then said that he didn’t want to go out with me tonight like we’d planned and he wanted to stop kissing and saying I love you. And I was like “okay” and then I had a really bad panic attack and flipped out and got really mean because I was upset. Then he said that he still wanted to hang out with me, you know, he just thought that I needed some time to be single basically and wanted me to take that time. So I was pretty alright about it until yesterday afternoon when I started getting this sick feeling like it was a lot more than that. And he called and it was. He basically said that he didn’t want anything to do with our relationship anymore and i was really really upset then. and i spent the whole night with stephanie being really fucking bummed and crying a lot and I threw up once because I just got so sick to my stomach.

So i decide i’ll feel better if I go to James. and i get there, and i really do. I got there and it was just Emily, James and myself plus this kid David who just got back from his Junior year at Notre Dame and is a former catholic.. so we have this really intense discussion about a lot of things from religion and its purpose to feminism to vegetarianism to environmentalism and it was really awesome. because he kinda made me realize that my actually being single affords me a lot more opportunities than dating. this was more-or-less true when Steve showed up at James. I wasn’t really sure what to do but I’m not supposed to hang out with him and he said last night that he probably wouldn’t want to talk to me much when we were both at James’ together so I just kept talking to David. Finally feeling better because being single could be good for me.

Then, I realized that whenever I was somewhere that I could be talking to Steve i felt really upset about everything. Like upset about him and how I couldn’t talk to him. So when everyone was in the living room i went and played with the cat until he got out of the dining room so we could talk. and then i just talked about how much i missed him. and how i kinda hate that you can’t just take relationships back. this was said when he made a decision to hold my hand. and i was thinking about if like Kyle or Emily or someone just did that to me. And how my reaction would be completely different because I’m not in a relationship with them. But beacuse I have been with Steve it means something different… And it will prolly be always okay for him to do that. Because the love still exists and I can’t erase it. and I hate it that we’re not talking because it just feels like he’s trying to erase everything and all the love and all the history and he says he’s not but what’s different about us now as opposed to before we didn’t date… the hurt of not seeing him, i suppose.

this really sucks. there was so much good in our relationship and i really think that if i was a decent, lovable person i would’ve been able to put us back together. i just feel completely undeserving of love. and this stems from a lot of things in my past. first how warped my relationship with my mom is and how i feel like the way that she left me is okay because i feel like i fucked up. and i always fucked up what i had with madeline. and i don’t even know why. i think i just get really scared of when that look in someone’s eyes actually means love. and just terrified. that i don’t deserve it.

madeline used to tell me that she thinks than none of us deserve love. and that’s what makes it special. and maybe that’s true.

But fuck. I hurt.

I hurt in ways I can’t describe. And I can’t even explain why this is happening because everyone always thinks it’s about Joe completely. but it isn’t. Because if it was it would be tons easier. I’ve left people I didn’t want to date for other people before. It’s as simple as hanging out with a friend and waiting till yr boyfriend sends the neighbor over to see if his car is here. Haha. Nah, i mean. it just doesn’t hurt at all. because you don’t love the other person at all and you don’t care. because it doesn’t make sense to keep either of you in a relationship that contains no love and only one-sided like.

i think i get scared that he can walk away because of those reasons. and then i just feel like shit.

why can’t he see me? i just need to see him. i don’t care if its awkward or if i don’t know what to want from him because i’ll be scared of accidently saying i love you or accidently having feelings for him. you know. i just hurt. and i want him to be a part of my life because i can’t just erase everything. and even if i could i don’t think i would. i’m always going to feel for him. and it will always be love. and i just don’t think love goes away. i also doesn’t think it’s born. i think it just exists and you recognize it when you’re with someone. and then you know forever.

i exercised today. woot. go me. it was not nearly as horrifying as i expected it to be, i think. i was really worried that i would ache a lot after or during the actual exercise but so far i feel fine and i’ve napped for about 4 hours (which was maybe more than i slept last night) so i think i’m pretty well accounted for not being too achy tomorrow. i’d never been inside the student recreation and wellness center until today and it lived up to my expectations. my ocd causes me to really like how all of the exercise equipment is from the same company and thus matches ascetically. my favorite machines are the stretch machine because it makes it really easy to stretch and the crunches machine because i hate doing crunches. next time i go i’ll probably take a cd player or something to keep myself better entertained. steve and i are planning on going back on thursday at about 11 and working out until noon and then doing a yoga class. next week we’re considering the addition of breakfast to the tuesday-thursday workout regime. whee.

i’m still pretty stressed out about my summer. for those of you who were disinterested yesterday, i managed to get the comforter situation down to one sheet and one comforter. though the comforter is indeed too small. i’m also pretty convinced i want the microsuede comforter on overstock.com but probably not until i live in an apartment-house this fall.

i need to talk to the jump start coordinator sometime this week which i keep forgetting to do.. maybe she’ll be around tomorrow when i’m driving home from kc after picking up jotto-matic and having lunch. we can only hope.

i bought the Catechisms of the Catholic Church today and I’m planning on cracking into that belief structure soon. As of right now, the conversion is still mostly on target. But i’m going to study a lot before I join. Which is going to make the confirmation process pretty boring. Heh.

If anyone wants to prep LD for 05-06, call me.

wow. i hate moving in. and i hate that i’m still incredibly stressed out despite the fact that its summer and i’m doing nothing besides working from 7:30-11:30 on some weeknights. I feel like i have so much going on and i’m never accomplishing any of it. my room is still partially packed. i have a pile of stuff to go through, my drawers are too full especially the one that’s supposed to be for socks (who knew it was even possible to have this many?!). oi. jarred came out last night while i unpacked some and we talked for a while and i got most of the big boxes emptied. now i just need to figure out where im going to put the school supplies that i plan on keeping. the correct answer to this question probably is or should be in those bookbags that i brought home and won’t use for the summer. but i still have all three of them to go through. hopefully i can get that done tonight and get my room put together. I would also be really smitten if i could get a new comforter for my bed. maybe overstock.com still has microsuede that are fairly cheap. i’d be a very happy duck if that were true. and then my room would at some point look decent. as of right now i have 2 comforters (1 brown, red, blue, and green stripes with fake texturing; 1 pink and orange hawaiian flowers) a sheet (those pink and orange flowers on a white background) and a blanket (yellow in an attempt to make the part of my bed that’s visible match my walls which are this beautiful forest green). augh. my dogs ruin everything. and i kind of despise them for it. but i love them more than i love having a matching room.. i just wish that things matched some you know? like it never ever feels clean in here because i always have this ridiculous bed. did i mention all the comforters, sheet, and blanket is for a twin bed on my full-double. Eegh. I’m going to go back to cleaning in an attempt to work this whole mess out. Will someone buy me a few shelves? my parents are psychotic about letting me build the ones i want :-/ and they’d be so cute. Like angled V’s that the books can sit on. except the vertex would be 45 degrees so they could lay flat and these would appear in random places around my room to display books by subject. awh. a girl can dream. . .

so its summer, yippe-ki-yi-yay-motherfucker. i still have so much i want to do and feel like i don’t have the time to do it.. but you know.. that’s pretty much what summer is. and i’m sure that next week i’ll pass out for like 5 days and only get up to do the things i have to (work) and then go out after that. it shouldn’t be so bad when i get down to it.

it appears that the in-thing to do regarding summer’s start is to make lists of goals and then go about the summer trying to accomplish them. i’m going to follow the trendsetters and make a list of things to do:

1. learn polish by july 9
2. write poetry more
3. exercise
4. consume more water than soda
5. clean the house for mom
6. see my friends a lot
7. remember who is in town this summer that i didn’t know last summer:
a. annaleighzard
b. marcus
c. the hot young republican
8. prep for LD next year
9. read more things that matter to fight Beatty in class next year
10. make a list of the classes i need to take next year
11. create some system of organization i can stick to next year
12. drink more chai
13. start smoking cigarettes
14. play my guitar more
15. actually write those speeches jim wants me to write

that’s my summer. try to pick certain goals of mine and keep me on task via fighting me or calling me or something.

i’m moving out of the dorms today. this means that i am entirely packed up and for some reason i’m moving out a lot more than im moving in, go figure. i have three huge boxes full of stuff one of which is probably mostly trash but i’m too lazy to go through it.. the other two are all clothes. then i have a box of purses, bags and misc items, a box of books, a box of shoes and misc items, a box of random papers that i think i moved in in the same status or else they came out of a bookbag which seems more likely, two full bookbags, a lamp in a box, a duffell bag that has lip gloss spilled all over the bottom of it so i can’t use it or empty it yet… grah. next week when i get to move back into my house is going to be awesome. growl.

this is pretty sad. is been like since august so that’s 9 months that I’ve lived here and its the first place other than my parents house that I’ve lived and even though I switched rooms this is still really hard to do because i’m leaving everyone and i’m so sad about it. i’ve met so many great people this past year and had so much fun hanging out with people and learning from myself and them.. its awesome.

i also miss steve a whole lot. we’ve been hanging out civilly again which is good because for a while there we’d hang out but it was just like us fighting for the whole time. i’m really glad that things are nice between us again. i got really reminiscent of him today while i was taking all of my stuff down because there are so many memories of him, etc.

Man, i was thinking about how I only get 3 more years of this stuff.. whoa. i don’t know what i’m gonna do.. this is probably the happiest i’ve ever been with myself (even though i’ve hated myself the past few weeks) and i don’t know… its just all crazy. and i’m all happy and i’m going to miss everyone very very very very much.

augh. life. it’s crazy. yesterday was mothers day and i pretty upset about being adopted for a variety of really strange reasons. i went to mass with joe mostly because i had it scheduled on his little dry-erase magnets where i keep his schedule as a joke for when his parents came.. but then it was still scheduled and it was either jesus/b-16 worshipping or writing papers so i went ahead and went to the b-16 festival. the message was pretty cool. i don’t really like talking publicly about spiritual breakthroughs because i usually fall away from them within a matter of days… but i felt pretty peaceful at mass. maybe it was just the ritualistic meditation but it was pretty cool. i prayed for openness and all of that stuff and then just kind of listened and it was neat because the priest talked about some of the specific things that i don’t like about religion, esp christianity, and countered them pretty well. so that’s always cool. plus the mormons that we were witnessing to c-unit last week let me read an article about women in the church and the importance of women by president hinckley. so i guess God works in mysterious ways. Most of which are “against the church” as Joe put it. Oi. There was also talk of the importance of women which is what made me get sad about being adopted. just because i can’t explain or tell my biological mother how grateful i am to her for doing what she did. and my biological father as well.. they were so selfless in their decision and i ended up with a really great life and pretty rad parents because of it. maybe i’ll find God this summer, but I guess we’ll see.

The weather was really strange yesterday as well. It seemed to be patterning my moods. Whenever I was upset or there was upsetting events going on around me it got really rainy and the rest of the time it was nice or not nice accordingly. Bizarrity!

I got pizza and Joe managed to trick me into calling this woman a cunt. We were talking about birth control (Joe and I were) and I said that I would probably eventually change to the lunar rythm method and then said that I’m kind of leary of it because the author who endorsed it has had three abortions so it could be terribly ineffective.. though i kinda think that they were all before she was using any sort of birth control or at least not using them well.. and he was like “what author?” and i said “inga muscio” and we were leaving at this point so as I start to walk behind this woman at the counter he’s like “what book?” and i just say “Cunt” and i’m like RIGHT behind her when this happens. It is perfectly timed, haha. We both just kept our heads down and kept walking. Oi.

At night, Joe and I went to the lakehouse with Jarred and we watched matchstick men and then went and got penne and pesto at walmart so that i could cook some dinner (yummy!) and jarred bought these afterschool specials on dvd and we watched them which got me upset about being adopted again because it was from th perspective of a reluctant dad whose baby momma was giving the baby up for adoption. The important/fun part of the night though was the time when we had phone sex (all three of us) because Jarred somehow won like 100 free phone sex off of the internet so we called and asked this one girl if she was into having sex with robots and then Joe continued to go off about sex with robot quips finally just saying random ones and zeros while Jarred yelled “fuck me in binary! fuck me in binary!” it was beyond awesome.

i’m listening to the new weezer and writing papers at lolas and steve and i aren’t on a break anymore because he’s not my boyfriend right now and weezer has this way of emphasizing the sadness i feel about it.. man. it really freaks me out, too, rivers. i wish i could just figure myself out and be with who makes me happy. but this whole ordeal turned into a joe v. steve battle that was difficult to gauge. because the more heated the ordeal became the less i wanted either really. i don’t know. steve and i were kind of fighting a lot toward the end and i’m not sure what triggered it. i was thinking yesterday that we pretty much got along really fucking well when he wasn’t smoking pot and before that it was pretty good too. i think it was just really cool when he wasn’t smoking pot all the time because i always knew that i was talking to steve and not someone else you know? he decided to cut back or quit or whatever one morning when he woke up moody for no reason next to me in the dorms and then things were pretty good. especially from novi-nats to about nfa. but like the weekend before everyone left for nfa jotto started smoking up and so he started smoking a lot more too and i could never tell if he was high or not and i think it just kinda created a problem. not because i care if he’s high or not but becaue it effectshow he deals with me and how he communicates. and it makes sense that he didn’t ahve the words even though he knows how to communicate when i think about it that way. but i’m not going to ask him to stop smoking. and i’m not going to promise that would fix all the problems either. so i don’t know. i just needed to journal about it. i think.

sorry i’ve been neglecting my blog. it pretty much parallels my emotional health and i know that i havne’t been expressing or talking about any of the things that i need to talk about in part because i don’t fill this journal with my completley biased opinions or views of the world around me. and i’m so busy with class while all of this is going on. i have 4 papers to write. but i don’t think they’re the worst papers ever. you know? one of them is about 10 pages. which isn’t that bad given that my outline without finishing all the research i want to do is like 5 or 6 pages and i can TECHNICALLY stop the paper at 7 if i get there and feel its finished. but since when is this girl anything other than wordy? augh..

i haven’t even been writing poetry because poetry means honesty to my soul and i just can’t do it. i don’t even know who i am. i feel like i’m choosing what some girl over there should order today without knowing anything about her… “oh you should stay” or “oh you should go” both seem like really detached advice when i say it or when i think it because any given moment the idea changes. and then i listen to weezer’s new album and it changes back. or it just defaults to “save yourself for rivers cuomo because he’s luRvley. oh man.” in other news. i think i’m buying the new weezer. because rivers cuomo is and always should be my boyfriend.

i just hate how he knows for sure that i’ll always always take him back.
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steve and i are on a break for some bizarre reason. mostly that i’ve been really insane these last few weeks and i don’t really know whats going on with me i think part of it is that we’ve been fighting a lot and not communicating so well. meanwhile, my libido has proven to be worthless right now. i don’t know. i’ve cried about it a lot. and i still really think things will be good after a few days or so… i don’t know what’s wrong with me. but its good that i’ve been really really upset about it. because it makes me realize that i miss what i’m missing.