Category: Journal

i had one of my better days today. i was out until way too late last night. try 3am. ugh. try waking up at 7 after getting in at three. and i did wake up at 7. and then i thought… “i should set another alarm in case i fall back to sleep..” then i fell back to sleep. luckily, that internal clock that always knows what’s going on was like “pst. jess its 8:05 and you have a final in 55 minutes and really need a shower….” so i woke up and took my shower (hooray for showers, man). then i did some quick studying and went to take my last final. it was government and it went really well. it turned out it was multiple answer not multiple choice but it still went well. i expect to get a’s in all of my classes. although for some reason i have my doubts about public speaking. more because the teacher is a douche and the final was really insane than anything else. but i will formally argue the one grade for a group presentation if it affects my grade. i did not give a speech worth an 88. and he knows it. dammit.

steve met me in the HC windows lab (yay for not wu-unix!) and i worked on some things for leadership’s pen pal program. basically no one wrote their letters because everyone likes to make my life hell. i asked if they thought we should do it and they were all like “yes we have to” and then they didn’t. so now i’m the one that’s running all over campus trying to get the letters gathered and written and i also have no one to help me out on this. so thank you LE100. because this is what i wanted to do with my time. and i like the program and think its important that we don’t bail on these kids.

steve and i went to lunch in the union after picking up ashley’s letter and some bobbleheads for our classes that WSGA donated. then we ate with dane and later lacey and brady. steve and i went back to my dorm and i basically dumped everything out and picked it back up later so take home (yay for moving out, except wait. that means living with my parents again . . .). he helped me carry stuff out to my car then left for his CEDA meeting.

lacey and i went out to bed bath and beyond and pier one today. then we got applebees and went to joann’s where we bought totes and decorated tote bags for the rest of the afternoon. mine says “Washburn University Magical Mystery Tour” on the front and “OVERNIGHT BAG” on the back. lol. it’s a great little bag and i’m excited to tote things with it.

i had to let joe in on the bag experience so i called him and he came up to kuehne to talk to us. then brandon came by and brady got home so we hung out there until it was time for me to come to work. w00t. it was really an awesome day. especially the part where i got to hang out with just lacey for a long time. it seems like lately she only exists as a pair with brady and i like brady but i miss my old friend sometimes.

i’m completely looking forward to break. whee.

to do over break:
_ finish chomsky
_ finish robbins
_ read danielewski
_ read salinger
_ improve at chess
_ lord of the rings marathon (invite yourself over!)
_ sleep regularly
_ archive blog from Jan 2001 – current
_ create some sort of online photoalbum for chaostasis
_ use my digital camera more

we’ll see how much i get done…

today i told joe that i had a dream that i had sex with bobby fischer and his eyes lit up like a little kid looking at the christmas tree for the first time on christmas morning when it was surrounded by presents. lol.

today has been a pretty good day. even given my confusion about madeline and everything surrounding her.

i woke up a little before 9 at james’ place and got around and went to lolas to study for some of my finals. then i went and browsed cds at cd tradepost for a while and found some really kickass ones that i had been wanting for a while. so then i went to school and took my french oral final (not peer review board style, kthxbye) and then i talked to lacey/brady/joe for a while and then i took my public speaking final and hung out with ryan and that boy jimmy until steve called a little before four. so he came out and we had dinner in the union then sold some of my textbooks back. i used the money to buy aimee mann’s magnolia soundtrack and the royal tennebaums soundtrack and a pixies album (aka the good albums i’d found at CD tradepost this morning). after that steve bought me cranberry juice and we hung out at his house.

that’s my day in details. i need to make a list of what i plan to do over winter break before winter break actually gets here. augh. so excited.

steve bought me living in clip the other day because he saw it and it was ani and he thought of me. i find this to be really brilliant of him. heart. anyway. so i’ve been driving around screaming along with live lesbian folk rock thinking that we should all be lesbian folk rockers someday and then i put in the second disk and the first song is Untouchable Face which is madeline and my song and the second song is Shameless which is about covetting another man’s wife. and getting her. basically. but its more poetic than that i think i’m intentionally not doing it justice so i realize that amidst shots the other night she cfalled and i told her i’d call her back when i’m sober but i just can’t find the words to say and i keep thinking one day it will just hit me and i’ll just know and be like “say this” but that’s probably not going to happen because it would have already. and i probably owe it to us to call her. and i probably owe it to myself or maybe just to her. i’m not sure. but i’m sure that i should call her and be a decent human being about the situation. it just never feels like the right time. i keep thinking maybe one day i’ll be able to have this conversation without crying so i won’t want to avoid it so much but i know that that is not true either. so i guess i’ll just keep putting it off and when my finals are over and i have 5 weeks of no reasons not to call i’ll call her and we can talk and maybe she can get her book back and i know she’s going to want that heart box back and that’s why i can’t call her… because i’m not ready for that.

it’s like handing pieces of her back to her when i can’t get the pieces of me back at all. and i know that its only a metaphor and a bad one because we’re not actually giving back anything. except maybe peace of mind. but i don’t remember ever having that and i sure as hell don’t have it now.

[retraction] in a recent entry it was stated that the author of this blog witnessed two games of chess between one, stephen, and another joe. the author aluded that joe played too defensively. however victory of either game was never revealed. the aforementioned defensive chess player got defensive off the chessboard and is now requesting that i explain what happened. joe beat steve in the first game and in the second game the opposite was true. i’m only allowing the retraction because joe is helping redefine gender roles by being a boy who is acting like a whiny bitch.[/retraction]

i still contend this entry is in supplement to my government studying and not in replacement of said studying. blah.

this is what my last night looked like: Worked sucked. Went to James’. Drank Martini (call from madeline during martini). Call from Madeline (after martini). Shot of Vodka. Half-shot of Vodka. Shot of Gin. Shot of Vodka. Shot of Gin. Commented on yesterday’s entry for my own blog. Passed out.

So my tolerance level is usually at right around 3 beers before i’m drunk enough to not want to drink more. Hungover, anyone? Augh.

i was thinking just now about how stephen spelles his name with a ph instead of a v. which made me think about my first boyfriend. his name was also stephen spelled with a ph instead of a v. this was 5th to 6th grade. i think its strange that i repeat boys names so often. Jarred-Jarod, Bryan-Brian (Bryan was not a date or any more than one kiss on principle, but still), Stephen-Stephen. Whoa. The madness. Oh well.. I know who my favorites are of everyone.

madeline wants her stuff back. which is fair. i know. i know i’m a terrible exgirlfriend and that we’ve hurt each other too much. and i know that we still love each other so its almost impossible to be friends. but i also know that she’s right. i have changed. and theres nothing i can do about it. because i like who i am now, a lot. and i tired of hating myself all the time and never really knowing who i was hating. so i guess this is growing up.

i just wish she was someone i could have along for the ride.

jarod is also still not speaking to me. although he did im me last night to apologize for how mean he was the other night. but i mishandled that situation too and i admitted as much. i wish he wouldn’t bail on me either. but i guess he needs to push me out of his life and lately he’s been trying so hard that i think i tire of fighting him for a different outcome.

i ran into dan at lola’s today and we talked about relationships and things of the sort. i guess we’re going to double date sometime. which will be really exciting. cos i think hadley is a really cool girl. and i’ve never really been on a double date before. hell, going on dates period is kind of a new adventure. i got so used to just hanging out at the other persons house or at mine. eh. who knows. so i’m excited about that. and dan and my conversation was really great too. just about how happy we are with who we’re seeing. i think i’m doing a lot differently with steve. in that i think i try harder and care more than some of my past relationships. i just hope i never take him for granted. cos i know that happens sometimes. and i don’t want to be at that place with him. i think we have tons of potential. yay.

i don’t know when my life got so exciting that i had to write whole stories in my blog. i just really like to record things, i guess. and there’s a lot of existential/philosophical ponderances.
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i think that syncing my blog and my xanga is about the best decision i’ve ever made. in fact, i’m so happy with this decision i might even go through with my subscription idea in order to make it one step easier for me. it’s excellent, excellent progress in the world of jess.

in other news, i’m not worried about any of my finals. maybe, indeed, i should be. but i’m really not. i studied for my public speaking CN150 final yesterday and got an 85 on all 18 practice quizzes after reading 7 of the 18 chapters. while its obvious i did considerably better on the 7 chapter quizzes that i had read, there were some chapters that i absolutely do not need to study. and furthermore, my grades are gonna balance out so i don’t actually need a full 100 on that final. so i may just assume i learned something from doing poorly on some of the practice quizzes and that his questions will be easier than the books like whoa (midterm = 8 minutes of test) and go from there. we got our group speech grades back. first, i think its shitty that its one grade for all 4 people and that wasn’t clearly expressed on the syllabus. if this = B then jess will be an angry girl. cos that was absolutely not a B speech. second, gabe didn’t turn in his speech outline and i’m pretty sure we were docked for that. cos for the most part we all gave good speeches. blah.

i’m at the public library because i miss my computer and i needed to use a computer and i hate the WU unix systems. really. they’re absolutely pointless. so instead of going by mabee i went to pick up my car from my parents house with steve (Yay!! BB is back!!) and then took him to his car and i wandered over here until i need to go to my guitar lesson.

another roadside attraction is playing at the trap for a battle of the bands on saturday and i don’t get off work in time to see them. further, one of the competitors is currently employing me. so i’m not positive about who should take my vote. cos i like ara best. but augh, conflict of interest. eh. i haven’t seen any cash intake from the velvet hammers yet. no big deal. i’ll go if i get off work in time and then i’ll be okay.

oh! that longwinded reaction paper to the truth article was returned to me today. w00t. 98. and meg doesn’t really give 98s her idea of a perfect is a 94. so i’m so overly satisfied with myself and that class right now. even if i was verbally attacked today for a comment. i was describing postman’s view of multi-culturalism which he says is when a class with mostly black students gets taught about the triumphs of black culture and not about things like thomas edison and benjamin franklin’s lightbulb and electricity. and how even though it was because the white man was oppressing everyone else and that could be why other cultures didn’t invent as much during that time period, they’re important to the global culture as minorities. thus, we should teach diversity. so irving was like “how can you teach about multiculturalism if you’re white?” and made it sound like i was being racist or something. in fact, he said “you don’t understand our suffering.” which might be true. that i don’t understand it exactly. but you try being bisexual. bisexuality is barely acepted by the GL community. let alone straight people. and and try being a woman. i’d love to remind him that if he goes at gets a job he’ll make the full dollar but i still only get 75 cents. i just hate that myopia. inga muscio a great article on the subject that i think everyone should read. basically she just says that we shouldn’t only focus on our minority when trying to obtain equal rights and should instead fight to relieve all oppression and injustice. augh. it also really makes me mad because at the peace symposium he endorsed tactically nuking conflict areas to make them be peaceful. and his justification was basically “those people don’t really matter” which is ethnocentrism at face and i contend that american should be a race and therefore is racism too. so if you’re going to be a part of the problem don’t try to demean me for saying that we should embrace all cultures and not throw out white history just because in parts of it we were assholes (anglo-saxons were slaves too.) whoa. i blog whole five page papers a day.

i keep having nightmares right before i finally go to sleep. i don’t know why. probably stress. i can’t really remember them either. but i’m pretty sure i’m being kidnapped in them ecause i usually have dreams i’m being kidnapped when i’m stressed. and i always had that recurring nightmare when i was a little kid. this combined with my adopted status makes me wonder if maybe its related somehow. but its always my dad who rescues me in these dreams. so maybe its not really related. mayi’m probably just a headcase.

last night they all got absente but because its not the kind that’s fun and makes you a kickass gay author (w00t, oscar wilde) i did not partake. and even if it was the other kind i’m not sure i’m quite ready for that kind of liver brutality. plus, i had a nice enough time just being relatively soberish and hanging out with travis, joe, sleepy, and steve. so it was all worth it. in his absente evening, marcus walked as if he were wearing snow shoes. in the style of johnny depp in fear and loathing. wow. it was completely entertaining to watch him wander around campus at 2am looking for booty doing that weird walk he’d been doing all night.

after a noise complaint made us decide to leave the 4th floor, we went to second south and hungout in my lounge for a while. more fun that has ever been had on my floor i think… then we went to the village and steve played two games of chess vs joe who played entirely too defensively and i stayed quite because i had killed about 87 conversations that night and wasn’t ready to take on tonya’s record at full force.

after the chess steve went home but i am not the kind of girl who likes to be cold and walk around campus at all hours of the night so i slept on the couch in the apartment. which was great fun. until morning when of all people to see when wandering out of the apartment we run into jackie. amazing. although that wasn’t bad. i just commented “so this about solidifies my position as squad whore. I SLEPT ON THE COUCH. ALONE.”

my laptop is in pieces at james’ house. so i’ll update more tomorrow. assuming i choose not to study for finals.

i came up with a huge list of reasons why i really really dig him. it was like forty items long before i decided i might want to try to quit. it was great. and i like that i can come up with so many reasons. marvelous.

i hung out with j tonight for the first time really since we broke up. or i guess the first time since that time where we broke the news of kate/marcus to each other during the day after. we talked about deep things which was really cool. i like deep conversations with him. and i think that’s why i liked him in the first place. i’m just not too sure why the relationship part didn’t work out between us.. but i guess it happens in that way sometimes and sometimes you just have to figure yourself out in relation to the other person and take what you can and move on. and i’m glad moving on doesn’t mean we can’t still talk and hang out. cos he’s pretty kickass. despite how shitty i’ve felt about him. i no longer need to overdramatize that situation to make its outcome seem necessary.

the seeing my cousin was amazing. i had a really nice time talking to him and his wife who i’ve never met. they have a really cute dog too. and it was nice to just get to see him now that i’m a grown up. cos before i always just thought i should be a grown up. lol. hanging out with kevin makes me remember when matchbox20 was the coolest thing.

my cousin is in town from dallas. and i haven’t seen him, since, like whoa. i think i was in 8th grade maybe. or maybe it was before then. its hard to tell. so i’m scheduled to go out there at 3 to see him. i’m really excited about it. its the side of the family that i think might be the black sheep. although it’s hard to tell. because that could be us just as easily. my dad’s family had 4 kids. one was gary joe who is deceased and was mentally handicapped for his entire ife. the other is my dad’s older brother ron and then his older sister june. this is june’s kid. and june can be a real brat sometimes. i don’t know how to word it. she’s all kinds of christian. which i don’t mind but then she puts emphasis on the hypocritical kind of christian. like she’ll do so much to help out her church but when it comes to simple things like being there and helping out her family she doesn’t do it. i know i only get my mom’s side of the story too… but there’s gotta be some validity to it because dad honored the june boycott for a few years. only recently have we started doing things together again. which is good. cos my cousins are really rad and i like to see them. they just both live in dallas-fort worth so i rarely get to see them. cos its not like dallas-fort worth is high on this list of places this liberal is going to visit regularly.

i talked to jarod about how i’m dating other people last night. i don’t feel that it went very well. i got home late and im-ed him when i was checking my email and he was just like “what are you doing up this late? out seeing boys i never know the truth about?” so i was just completely honest with him. and we all knew how that was going to turn out. i was all planning to tell him on friday night when i was home but then he was really upset about something amy did or did not do. so i just kinda listened to him and then let it go. when it gets down to it though, i don’t know why this is his business to be mad about. there is nothing in between he and i and he knows that. i don’t see why it makes a difference whether i go home and call someone else after he and i hang out platonically or if i don’t. and i get angry that he tells me that he wants me to be honest with him and he actually just wants a reason to blow up at me. i’m sorry i didn’t tell you about j, alright. but when i said there was nothing between he and i there wasn’t and maybe i just didn’t want to deal with the fit that was/is thrown as a result of me seeing other people. he was fine when it was madeline. and he got over nate. i don’t know what’s wrong with him. i just know that i’m not too heartbroken about his apparent lack of wishing to see me because i know that he is absolutely not the boy i started dating last january. and it makes me really sad because that kid was so kick ass.

i’m watching the chiefs who are tied with the chargers. i was like “whoa, hey, the chiefs are losing.. oh wait. this is ush’s team they’re playing…” and then i was like “eh, go chiefs!” afterall.. ush is a giants fan. and i, for one, am not.

ps, would anyone hate me if i had a bierocks? my mom made homemade bierocks today and i’m like chomping at the bit over them. she makes the absolute best bierocks in the entire world. i have yet to decide what i will do about this situation. the fact that the meat could make me sick is some consolation to my not eating it. but then it could be worth it… the devil on my shoulder points out its just one cow. and the angel is hanging on to her last wing.

i was honest, dammit.
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i just reread my entry from last night when i got home from steves and realized that i don’t know if i write this with the intention of it being read. i don’t know. a lot of things have changed about how i write in my blog since i started blogging so many years ago. for one, i know that now i censor a lot more of what i write. a few months ago i told j that self-censorship is suicide.. but lately i find that publishing what i actually think can be like murder for the people i know who read it. or sometimes its other things. like i have really sincere feelings for someone or about something and don’t want to have them read it before i say it. i’ve also noticed that as a pretty popular idea in the head of jess. i think i used to rely a lot on the truth being poured into my blog. so i wouldn’t necessarily fill my date’s head with all of those coo-ey “oh i like you…”‘s that anyone else would because i could just blog about it and they’d get the idea. so i think there is importance in saying things outloud now. but even then, sometimes i don’t. but i don’t really say them publicly if at all on my blog either so i think i just, in effect, don’t communicate these feelings to people at all. which is probably unfortunate. but i guess that it happens and its something i’m going to have to deal with and get over. a good portion of it is just a really natural fear of rejection of my feelings. cos the conversation could just as easily go
   me: “i like you, like whoa.”
   him: “oh. whoa. i was gonna treat you like you’re not a real person and never return your affection.”
as it could
   me: “i like you, like whoa.”
   him: ::giggle, stares at shoes:: “i like you, too.”
and sometimes i think i’m just not willing to take the risk. and i should be. i know that i’m shorting something in the long run by not being all open about things as they are now but i need to sort through the intensity of newness.

i also decided that i believe my last two relationships were like rose relationships (because when i call something a cocaine relationship it means something intirely different…) and they looked so pretty in the beginning but they wilted fast and pricked a lot. so i’m hoping for an orchid. which is my favorite flower.

i’ve found that astrology love matches are pretty head on with my relationship patterns. very scary. although the sagitarrius-aries mixers ended for completely different reasons the bases of the astrological predictions were true. so rock on stars. i’m gonna go see how close it gets with anyone else i’ve dated. hrm. what’s a january birthday?