Category: Journal

stalin once said that exposing poland to communism was like saddling a cow. lol. and then he made them be communists anyways. what a douche.

i’ve had an amazing day. i had lunch with mrs chamberlain and it was delicious and seeing her was wonderful. we talked about so many things including the role of women in the church and why she can still be catholic and some other things. she said that i can start going to church with her and that she’ll sponsor me for confirmation if/when i want to do that. it was really nice of her. and the way that she worded it was so great too. she just said “i’ve always wanted to sponsor someone” but never directly told me that she would be my sponsor. and I think it would be awesome to have her be my sponsor. because if anyone has kept my faith in christianity it has been her. she’s marvelous. we also talked about abortion and how her college roommate had one and how messed up her roommate has been ever since then. it’s a really shitty situation i think for everyone that has one and even though i’ll never look down on my friends that have had them (or anyone, mostly) i just really feel like society should look out for women and that women should make sure they are in the position where they are choosing birth control over abortion. we also talked about books and our lives and such as well. she says she basically runs the barb and allen bed and breakfast. lol. i think it would be nice to have a great house like theirs that has an extra room because then you could have lots of people stay over and that would just be great.

after dinner, i went to rahul’s for the pool party. we watched segments of team america that were really funny. the song about pearl harbor is awesome and so oddly timed. that movie came out like 5 years ago or something and team harbor is barely a year old. we also swam at like 4 or so and that was cool. a lot of his friends from LHS were there and the RYLA kids (tim, amanda f., amanda h., rahul, me, joe, and ben “arrowhead max”) all showed up. awesome. we told the same stories that happened last week but it was like they were brand new. and at the very least it was like they were still great. it was tons of fun and i really like swimming and stuff as well.

yesterday i hung out with beau who is that guy from my chem class we sat around drinking G&T and watching random dating shows on the TV. It was a lot of fun, especially given that we had never really had a conversation before. He’s from Garden City (interesting aside!). I was there from like midnight until 3 am or so and then i drove home and listened to the killers really loudly while i took the long way. Hot Fuss is one of the best album purchases I’ve made spontaneously. I really like Jack Johnson’s new one too but last night was a Killer’s night.

I’ve been spending lots more time with Sarah lately. I’ve missed her tons. She’s the most beautiful, understanding friend I have sometimes. She was great to hang out with and we went swimming. Someone puked in the pool! It was sweet. This girl was like “WHY WOULD YOU PUKE IN THE POOL!?” I wanted to hit her because no one intentionally pukes anywhere. I mean, honestly. Like the kid responsible for doing this set out to puke in the pool. Who does that?! Pish. So anyway. I hope that kid’s social skills never fully develop because he does’t have friends because he ruined their day at the pool. Actually it was only closed for maybe a half hour total and I still had a great time.

I talked to Beatty about Britain! Fuck yeah, I wanna go!

Also, I talked to Phil on the phone today. It was great to hear him. I miss him a lot more than I admit to myself sometimes and the people around here. I think i’m going to try to go see him at some point in my career as an astronaut*.

*note: i am not really an astronaut nor will i be i just like to say this and i will make a trend out of it.

someone killed himself in the park i always played in as a child. it makes me remember how shitty suicide is. I hope it was no one my parents knew. That could be really hard for them. but he was like 3 years older so unless he was Academy, i’m pretty sure the odds are good that they know him. Suck.

alright. i called the passport people back today and they hung up on me literally 6 times. probably more than though in actuality. because of heavy call volume they just don’t even bother putting some people on hold unless they call when call volume is slightly lower. so when i finally get through to the guy it turns out that i have to wait for my passport information to be updated and then i can expedite it and then i will have it four days. so i should be considerably less stressed about it. but at the same time i just want to know that they’ve changed it to expedited shipping and that i don’t have to worry about it at all. so i am calling them back on thursday to see if it has been processed and then i will call them and get it switched and hopefully have it soon. Augh. Further, I had a conversation with this fellow about the hold music. And I was trying to be pretty calm because the way I see it these people HAVE to hate their job. Like LOATHE their job. So I figured I would make it as easy on them as possible and be angry in a nice voice. Anyway. I was like “they should really get new hold music. they don’t even change the song.” and he was like “yeah.. its not even a whole song its just part of one.” and i was like “i noticed that, and if i am going to be on hold for an hour i want a damn symphony, you know?” and then we laughed. I think he thought I was hawt. He probably said “she had a sweet voice.” and i hear from people in the phone-call-taking industry (pizza delivery) that having a sweet voice, without fail, means you are fat. so he probably had it right.

speakof hold music (haha! i’ve used this segway two entries in a row now! bam! in your face!) i called Joe in Japan (again) and they too use the same hold music. Again that crazy Away in a Manger Midi file. It was awesome. I had Stephanie listen to it because she came over today and we both thought it was excellent. It’s also really cool because it turns out that my phone card actually will connect about the way that it says it is supposed to. That is, i’m going to get close to a full 6 hours out of the thing. Sextastic. Not that that implies what I will or will not be doing on the phone. Heh.

Stephanie and I had a good time today. I know I blogged sometime last week or the week before about how I felt like I was blowing her off, albeit untentionally, but we hung out today and everything was fantastic. we talked about a wide range of things including joe and all of the precursors hitherto (what does that word even mean!?). it was a great time. I will make an effort to see her more.

I also got to chill with the mormons today. I think its because I mostly really like them and their company. But today we had a good time. We talked at the Maginot’s and Ian was there. Ian seeing me was pretty fucking hilarious because he knows about my sexuality and he gave me this look like “THE FOUNDATIONS OF MY VERY VIEW OF REALITY HAVE BEEN BROKEN!” lol. It was awesome. He’s a good kid. I’ve always rather enjoyed him. So we had a good meeting and I am probably still not a mormon but I do really like the missionaries. I’d like to hang out with them. But I’m not sure if they’re allowed to do that. I should be like “Hey! Elders! Let’s go goofy golfing or something sometime!” The new one speaks spanish. I bet Jotto would want to hug him (SINFUL!).

This has been a good entry.

i had to correct some things with the passport office regaurding my photos that were sent with my original passport application. this all began saturday when i returned home to a letter that said that my photos were inferior (because they were of my face! gross!) and so i waited until today to call these people at the passport agency and the people were like “um. you need to get the tracking number and call us back.” so this is cool enough. i decide that at approximately 8:30 pm CST that I will call them with the tracking information. I am on hold with their office for 56 minutes. During this entire time I have to cock my head so that I can hold my cellphone which really just manages to distort my vision. Further, I receive 2 phone calls at work during this time. 1 is from a guy who just needs to be transfered. the other is from my least favorite city league caller. he’s a really nice old man but as someone who is trying to communicate a list of scores to me, he fails miserably most of the time. he spells and repeats things that are completely unnecessary. Meanwhile, the Nat’l Passport Center people NEVER change their hold music. It’s always the same generic symphony. Then. I get off hold with the passport people to be told that I need the tracking number, who signed for it, and what date they signed for it. This means that I have to call back the next day. So fuck. I will call back the next day and then we will have this adventure in part 3 form. Oi-vay. The good news is that I’m not too upset about being on hold that long. It was something to do.. at least. Also, I looked up visa requirements for Britain and it turns out that I won’t have to deal with these people again until perhaps January when I look into going to China. Go China! Yah! The moral of the story is: “YAY BUREAUCRACY!”

I called Joe in Japan today. We were on the phone for about an hour and it was nice because I haven’t gotten to have a voiced conversation with him for that long since he left (2 weeks!) ugh. And usually we can talk for hours and hours on the phone so these talks were something I had missed dearly. Also of interest, when i called the Japanese had hold music. But theirs was mutch better than American hold music, indeed! It was the popular Christmas Carroll “Away in a Manger” except it was in Midi format. Rock-on, Japanese! This is obviously why Hyde was predispositioned to be in your country. Haha, take that you Japanese techno-savvy people in this world.

i’m kinda sad and mopey today. i had to run a bunch of errands this morning concerning Poland and Joe’s moving violation. So that was 34 dollars well spent. Heh. Ugh. The good news is that I got the new passport photos sent and even though it looks like it will cost me an extra 60 dollars to get it here on time, these pictures are much nicer than the old pictures and they meet the guidelines and everything so you know. Maybe it will be a good thing. And at least I know that Ill get my passport on time. I’m really stressed about this Poland thing. Like everything about it still feels really up in the air and I don’t know what I’m going to do. Further, I’ve been procrastinating too much on forensics things and really need to get my speeches written. I’ll make an appointment with Jim. And I just did. So yeah. That’s my day. I went to AAA, the post office, and the bank. And anyone who was in threat of losing their license now doesn’t need to worry because 1) they put their trust in me and 2) i waited until the absolute last minute but prolly still decided to get it in quicker than they would have and 3) because the post office assures me it will be there by tomorrow at noon. So go Post Office.

If anyone is doing anything, Im really bored and anti-social feeling lately so call me.

I did get the chance to watch Anchorman with David last night and that was pretty much great. I really really like that movie. I kind of realized that having people over just to watch a movie is kind of a bizarre thing. I don’t know if I can explain why this is so. Mostly I think its that its at your house so you would expect there to be conversation or something but then you’re watching a movie and if you talk during movies you miss all of the good parts so instead its kind of overly formal. but last night’s movie viewing was pretty much awesome because it was anchorman. though the deleted scenes mostly sucked. we couldn’t even finish them. i guess that’s why they were deleted.

joe and i had an interesting debate/fight last night that pretty much sucked. but i don’t know. i think we just miss each other because he is in japan and i am here and so we communicate kind of poorly but i don’t really expect the same problem to happen again. i really like that he and i can communicate really fully with each other about what’s going on in our heads aside from what we’re on-face upset about. and we listen to each other enough to not take our fights or whatever too personally. i mean i was upset but i could see where he was coming from and stuff. i think we mostly just need to learn to not get really upset with each other when we have to go. i don’t know which of us strategizes that this would be a good idea but i’m pretty sure we do it intentionally so that we don’t have to miss each other as much.

it never works. i just miss him with a bitter taste in my mouth.

he gets back in 5 days or something. and i think i get to meet him at the airport. though i’m not sure that that is the worlds best idea. i might want to go down sunday. but its hard to say. so you know. i’m pretty much giddy about this whole thing. though it kind of scares me but sort of in that good way.

poland will be really fucking hard and britain even worse.

this is my 800th entry. i’m pretty proud of this. i am also watching Anchorman and despite the fact that my dogs keep barking at the rain through this (i wonder what they’re thinking: “we will bark to make it stop?”) its pretty much the best day of my life. i’m a little upset because of this dichotomy of emotions inside of me. oi. its like i’m simultaneously really upset whenever i hear a happy love song and really sad at the same time because of being sad about steve and excited about joe. this will probably get better, at least, i assume it will get better soon.

joe has been in Japan for 2 weeks as of tomorrow. he gets back saturday and I am totally going to the airport to pick him up. i considered contacting “his people” and doing this as part of a surprise but he asked if i could meet him there so i’m just going to go do it and let him do the part where he has to talk to his dad to tell them that they don’t have to drive about 80 minutes out of their way just to see him. ugh. instead i’ll drive the 2 hours. no biggie.

it’ll be a really good thing though because i’m going to see Josh that afternoon and I’m really excited about that. I miss my best friend! and there is really good news concerning myself and Britain. That is that I may go there and be a conservative! HAHA! TAKE THAT LABOUR PARTY! If I go to Britain it means lots of fabulous things. Like spelling words with extra “U”‘s. Also, I will probably get to see Tony Blair. Seeing Tony Blair would make me cream my panties. Which is one of the grossest ways to note getting excited about something.

I have a meeting with Beatty on Wednesday to talk about it. Then I have to decide what i’m doing abotu classes and living and Joe. I’ll talk to Joe about it and I’m honestly going to consider his opinion on my departure. I think everything is still up in the air for about 299 reasons. So I’ll get things figured out. but until then. stay classy.

i pretty much love ryla. all of my campers are really beautiful people. there’s this one girl that i expected to be some trouble but she’s really intelligent and just a great person to have around. i’m so glad i’m here. i know i’d have had fun in the CR but really, i’d have been missing out on something great in the states.

its pretty much known these days that Lacey and I are no where near as close as we used to be and this makes me pretty sad. Because we always used to be great friends and I swear I see Josh more than I see her even though he lived in Manhattan all school year and Olathe all summer now. Anyway, RYLA (the Rotary Youth Leadership Awards which is a camp sponsored by Rotary and Washburn that the Leadership Institute students are counselors at) is this week and Lace and I are both in the LI and therefore both camp counselors and luck of all lucks, we are rooming together. I’m pretty excited about this. We decided that we should just share a room instead of taking the two seperate rooms that we’re offered because it gives us a chance to hang out and talk at night and i’m so excited about getting to talk to her again and maybe after RYLA we can start hanging out again. It’d be pretty rad if that were the case.

I feel like i’ve kinda been ignoring my high school friends. this is true. for a variety of reasons. First, i really miss all of my friends from college and got really used to them. Not that I don’t like my high school friends or anything just that all of C-Unit so totally rocks and we have a great time together and have really awesome intellectual and philosophical conversations combined with our unique, hilarious sense of humor and i miss them all a lot. Also though, I’ve been superdepressed about recent events in my social life that I really don’t feel like I have any control over. I know the other two people involved probably both looked at it as a win-win situation for me, one of them vocalizing as much, but I never ever felt that way about it. And what sucked most was that I probably would’ve behaved this way (that is the not eating, getting sick to my stomach, having bad dreams, waking up nervously puky) no matter who finally voted to bail. So i’m depressed. And I don’t want to get out of bed. And what else has changed about me since freshman year? I’ve grown breasts (?!).

Speaking of breasts. I’m wearing the shirt that I kissed Jarred McDaniel and Brian in for the first time and maybe someone else. because i recall that this shirt was always the shirt i’d wear when i was planning on making out with someone because its a reall cool shirt. it just says “ROCK!” on it in pink glittery stuff and then there is an electric guitar there too. Anyway. I haven’t worn it in a long time. and I put it on today and later realized that I have breasts. I’ve noted before that they have grown considerably since i was a sophomore or maybe even junior but man. My reflection is of a body other than my own. Also, I’ve lost a lot of weight and mom commented on how nice I looked in my jeans today. I told her it was because I was starving myself and she was like “but still, you look great.” and then mumbled about how i shouldn’t starve myself. It was kind of a crazy conversation.

i had a really nice long talk with my dad tonight. it took place in two parts. the first part was about my life and what i’m doing with it and why the hell i’m spending close to two grand to go to polska. I talked about how what I want to do with my life isn’t going to pay so well and I need lots of experience and the ability to show law schools or wherever i end up going that I’m a good candidate to see following through on what she plans to do with her life. Then we talked about how I’m a vegetarian. He said today that he has a lot of respect for vegetarians and that he thinks its great but he could neer do it. For a while I thought it kind of made him angry that I think so many bad things about the meat industry and it was really nice to hear him say that he appreciates that about me. We then talked about men and boys and relationships and what I think I’m doing there. I really love my dad a lot. I’m glad that he and I can have really open conversations. He’s always been such a great example of a male for me. Like he always worked with my mom to complete chores around the house and they shared a lot of the burdens of housework and I really liked seeing that. He also set an example that showed that it was okay for him to cry around us. I remember the Hospice people telling him that this was important and okay for him to do and also recognize that he didn’t do it much before then and really didn’t start showing a sensitive side until after he and my mom patched up their problems, but i really respect the way that he is so sensitive about things. He’s amazing. The second part of our conversation occurred after I saw this FCCLA commercial about recognizing and stopping violence that featured Ericka and got really sad about it. She was just a speaker on it but man.. its so strange to see someone on tv that you know is dead. And I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately because I keep driving by the Sushi Station in lawrence (phone number? 785-842-TUNA) and remembering how at state she and TJ kept calling that number and asking what kinds of sushi they had and laughing. she was such an amazing, beautiful girl and i know the world is worse off without her. But she served a really great purpose with her life and touched everyone she knew. I only wish I could’ve known her better. And I try to server her memory well. I think I’d forgotten how young she was. And how alive. It’s so sad. I don’t really understand death. But I think that I know she’s alright. Mallory and I had really strangely coincidental dreams one night when we hadn’t talked to each other for a while. Mal dreamt that I had died and she went to my funeral which was exactly like Ericka’s and Ericka was there and held her the whole time like I had. The same night I dreamt that Mallory called me really upset but I couldn’t speak to her or understand what she was saying. I just knew she was really upset and that I couldn’t help her. Dreams are weird. Dad was talking about how he still has them about his parents and stuff. I hope that even post-mortum my parents still communicate with me. I’ll miss them.

i went driving with my brother just now to return some movies. it wasn’t so bad. apparently he only had permission from mom to drive to the stop sign, but he told me he could drive the whole way and for no real reason i just kinda decided to believe him. lol. he overdrives pretty badly but i remember learning to drive and it think that was one of the things i did most. it was pretty terrifying most of the time. though he’s probably a better driver than i was when i was learning although i was more likely to be overly cautious and i think he’ll have more trouble not accelerating so much into turns that he ends up in a ditch. haha.

steve and i hung out yesterday and we had a great time so i feel better about a lot of things. i think that it’ll be okay that we’re not together right now even though its hard to think about either of us seeing other people. i’m kind of excited about what my future has in store for me now. though i’m not going to go on and on about all of this because it makes me sick to my stomach.

that reminds me, i weigh 134 pounds right now. usually i give my weight as being about 140 pounds and i don’t really freak out about my weight at all until its at like 144. Though I don’t really like to weigh more than 142 but I never will do anything about it either way. I’m sure that some of the weight loss is due to the exercising i’ve been doing this summer but I’m also pretty positive that a lot of it has to do with my lack of appetite for most of the summer. I’ve been so upset about things about steve taht a lot of the time i just don’t even feel like eating. and then i’ll eat again for a few days then i feel like something else bad happens and i stop eating again and its not even that i’m not eating for weight reasons i just absolutely don’t feel like eating. i tried to force feed myself some french fries the other day and just felt really sick to my stomach even though i didn’t have that many. so i don’t know. i wish there was a way to combat this anorexia (in the loss of appetite sense, not in the nervosa sense). but i suppose i’ll just try to build back up my stomach by eating light things. i did have some ramen yesterday at james before i went to work and i got hungry for pizza today so i ate that. i just obsess over these things so much and i wish i’d stop. i know i’m not fat. and i know that i look pretty but i get really insecure about parts of my body sometimes. or more, i get so excited about the parts of my body that are noticibly skinny right now that it’s difficult for me to really want to eat again. like “well you’re already there.. might as well go on a diet.” ugh.

whee. on tuesday i was pretty upset and as i was leaving the gym, caitlin called and she was in town with allisa and matt and we went to the zoo (the zoo was why they were in town.. but what’s a zoo without jess?!) it was awesome. except for the elephants. which i took pictures of as records for animal cruelty. oi. KEEP ELEPHANTS OUT OF ZOOS! anyway. all of the pictures are posted on my photolog which you can access through the domain. i also put up a new layout that is by the decemberists. awesome.

joe got a haircut in japan. hahaha. i can’t wait to see it. maybe he looks like inyuyashi (phonetic spelling, not actual spelling).

yesterday i wanted to transfer to KU to major in linguistics to go work with Noam Chomsky on linguistics. because despite the fact that i don’t agree with all of his politics, he’s a pretty fucking rad linguist. cunning, dare i say? haha. well i’m done babbling about the things that make me happy that i’ve been meaning to talk about.

ps. i wrote more poetry. on the opendiary.