Category: Journal

i privatized the entry that was here. because i don’t think that airing all of my dirty laundry about steve on the internet is a great idea. i just hurt a lot. and i feel like i can’t tell him.
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i’ve been eating a fruit and walnut salad from mcdonalds, though i just discovered that it is, indeed, walnut free because the people at mcdonalds are douchebags and the word walnut may not even exist in spanish so how could they communicate about putting walnuts in my salad when they didn’t speak any languages other than that.

the salad includes dip. And when I say dip I mean only one thing: yogurt. I hate yogurt. The texture is yucky. It looks like old semen. The taste usually leaves something to be desired but it came with the salad and i am peer pressured easily so i’m just like “guess, i’ll try the yogurt” and i do. and its not that bad. despite the fact that it really does look like congealled semen (i freudian slipped that to the name of my old high school ? Seaman, lol!). I realized how easily swayed I was about trying to yogurt and got a little disgusted with myself. But oh well… at least it’s not drugs!

Just loads and loads of antibiotics pumped into the cow that produced the milk that became this yogurt! AUGH! THE BACTERIA ARE DYING IN MY STOMACH! AUGH! Except actually Yogurt is high in acidopholus which replenishes the bacteria in my stomach. So take that antibiotics take that! BAM!

my moods are insane. i need to start sleeping more and trying to have semi-decent dreams during the times when i am or am not awake.

i’m shampooing the carpet and i’m really bad at it. i have zero work ethic on finishing this project. it looks like it’s going to take me about an hour less than predicted.. plus.. i used hard wood cleaner on the carpet for the first 15 minutes or so until i 1) ran out and 2) dad told me it was the wrong stuff. this error was mostly the fault of my mom who is too lazy to do anything for herself so she asked if we had the cleaner and i went to look for it and came out and was like “i’ve got no idea what i’m looking for . . .” and then they were like “it just says Bissel or something..” and I was like “There’s some hoover stuf in there that says floor cleaner” them: ‘yeah that’s it is there enough?” “yeah its unopened.” them “Cool” so i hardwood cleaned the carpet for a while today. moronic. and its all because mom won’t leave her glass of wine long enough to get another one. i swear. all she does is sit when she gets home. and i understand that.. but do you know what she would’ve done if she were here and i had accidently hardwood cleaned the carpet? Flipped out. that’s what she would’ve done. Oi. Luckily she was not home. so that’s good i suppose.

i’m meeting annaleigh to do copies at like 1 today in the comm office. this makes me sorta nervous because i know i’m behind on research for my speeches and i don’t know. i just feel like i don’t have time or initiative to do platforms really this year… but i still want to. in part because i need the money. poland is setting me back a lot and i’m kinda working extra hard on ld because i’m banking on a scholarship increase that will never happen. even though kevin and jim tell me i’m like next on the list to get a scholarship it’s not even close to true. or it could be. but it won’t matter. cos they won’t get to my name on the list. i wish the coaches would be more upfront about money, etc. like “jess we want to keep you around but we’re not really going to give you any more money …” would be a lot better than “you’re next on our list to give more money to” in my individual meeting and “we’re going to give money to tonya and jotto next” in the 1500 group meeting. i mean, honestly. why not just be upfront about it? if i’m young on the squad and you can’t measure my promise by 3 hardly tournaments especially when you don’t let me compete in what i’m probably best at then that’s cool and i won’t plan on a lot of money my sophomore year… but oi. fuck the rest of it. i guess i’m just saying all of this so i’ll expect it when it happens…

tomorrow is steve’s birthday. we had plans for it a few months ago. when we were still together. now we’re doing nothing but i’ll spend the day depressed because its his damn birthday and he doesn’t even want to see me on it. and i cancelled his present… because he wasn’t speaking to me and i don’t have the money to spend. so i guess it doesn’t matter. i think that at least part of the reason why we started to have lots of problems before we went on break was that talk he decided we should ahve about how i don’t contribute financially to the relationship and this was because i made a concious effort to cut back the ammount of money i was spending when i paid the app fee for the poland trip and realized that i didn’t have too much money to go to eastern europe and was freaking out about money and then i kinda felt bad about it that i couldn’t contribute financially to the relationship. and the fact that he noticed it made me really upset about it because there wasn’t a lot i could do.. i couldn’t get another job or anything to be a contributing member to the relationship and i just.. oi. i don’t know. it was hard. and i probably could’ve dealt with this more at the time or tell him or something but he was right. i wasn’t spending any money on him. but it was because i didn’t have it. now i feel bad again. aaaugh.

Steve is speaking to me again and hanging out with me again. this is good because i didn’t really eat when he didn’t. So yeah. My body is trying to get renourished (slightly unsuccessfuly, i add) and so is my ch’i. We went to yoga today as was supposed to be our normal tuesday-thursday plan and exercised. i really like yoga. it just makes me feel a lot better about myself and the world around me and i actually do acheive a feeling of peace. although today i was really restless for the first part of it and coudlnt’ really focus on the breathing or any of the relaxing parts.. instead just being mildly upset that downward dog hurt a lot more than usual or that having my arms float up hurt a lot more than it should of as well. hrm. strange days in the world of yoga. by the end of the hour i’d given into peace and i felt a lot better about things. i like yoga a lot because it reminds me that i have this physical strength that i don’t always pay attention to. like that my bones and stuff will align correctly if i just let them settle that way and that slouching doesn’t have to be the most comfortable way to sit. also, that i can do things in regards to flexibility and strength that i don’t pay attention to. and it all comes from me. you know? just my body moving that way to recognize and focus on the strength. i love it. and it makes me feel stronger emotionally too. because its like i have this well of force inside of me and i can take control of things and moreso that i can get peace away from things that i’m uncomfortable in. its like drunk, but in a much more constructive way.

I was restless/I was restless/I was restless/I was restless/i just want this to be good/I just want this to be good/But you don’t understand/No You don’t understand me/And I want to be understood

I don’t want to write this. And I also don’t want to think it. But I think that I’m at the point where I have to even if it means not being able to eat or move or think for the next few hours. Fuck.

Steve is not speaking to me. He is intentionally avoiding me. He says its because it hurts too much to see me and he needs not to. This all started on Saturday night when he asked if I had kissed Joe on Thursday and I said yes bcause I wasn’t going to lie about it. So he then said that he didn’t want to go out with me tonight like we’d planned and he wanted to stop kissing and saying I love you. And I was like “okay” and then I had a really bad panic attack and flipped out and got really mean because I was upset. Then he said that he still wanted to hang out with me, you know, he just thought that I needed some time to be single basically and wanted me to take that time. So I was pretty alright about it until yesterday afternoon when I started getting this sick feeling like it was a lot more than that. And he called and it was. He basically said that he didn’t want anything to do with our relationship anymore and i was really really upset then. and i spent the whole night with stephanie being really fucking bummed and crying a lot and I threw up once because I just got so sick to my stomach.

So i decide i’ll feel better if I go to James. and i get there, and i really do. I got there and it was just Emily, James and myself plus this kid David who just got back from his Junior year at Notre Dame and is a former catholic.. so we have this really intense discussion about a lot of things from religion and its purpose to feminism to vegetarianism to environmentalism and it was really awesome. because he kinda made me realize that my actually being single affords me a lot more opportunities than dating. this was more-or-less true when Steve showed up at James. I wasn’t really sure what to do but I’m not supposed to hang out with him and he said last night that he probably wouldn’t want to talk to me much when we were both at James’ together so I just kept talking to David. Finally feeling better because being single could be good for me.

Then, I realized that whenever I was somewhere that I could be talking to Steve i felt really upset about everything. Like upset about him and how I couldn’t talk to him. So when everyone was in the living room i went and played with the cat until he got out of the dining room so we could talk. and then i just talked about how much i missed him. and how i kinda hate that you can’t just take relationships back. this was said when he made a decision to hold my hand. and i was thinking about if like Kyle or Emily or someone just did that to me. And how my reaction would be completely different because I’m not in a relationship with them. But beacuse I have been with Steve it means something different… And it will prolly be always okay for him to do that. Because the love still exists and I can’t erase it. and I hate it that we’re not talking because it just feels like he’s trying to erase everything and all the love and all the history and he says he’s not but what’s different about us now as opposed to before we didn’t date… the hurt of not seeing him, i suppose.

this really sucks. there was so much good in our relationship and i really think that if i was a decent, lovable person i would’ve been able to put us back together. i just feel completely undeserving of love. and this stems from a lot of things in my past. first how warped my relationship with my mom is and how i feel like the way that she left me is okay because i feel like i fucked up. and i always fucked up what i had with madeline. and i don’t even know why. i think i just get really scared of when that look in someone’s eyes actually means love. and just terrified. that i don’t deserve it.

madeline used to tell me that she thinks than none of us deserve love. and that’s what makes it special. and maybe that’s true.

But fuck. I hurt.

I hurt in ways I can’t describe. And I can’t even explain why this is happening because everyone always thinks it’s about Joe completely. but it isn’t. Because if it was it would be tons easier. I’ve left people I didn’t want to date for other people before. It’s as simple as hanging out with a friend and waiting till yr boyfriend sends the neighbor over to see if his car is here. Haha. Nah, i mean. it just doesn’t hurt at all. because you don’t love the other person at all and you don’t care. because it doesn’t make sense to keep either of you in a relationship that contains no love and only one-sided like.

i think i get scared that he can walk away because of those reasons. and then i just feel like shit.

why can’t he see me? i just need to see him. i don’t care if its awkward or if i don’t know what to want from him because i’ll be scared of accidently saying i love you or accidently having feelings for him. you know. i just hurt. and i want him to be a part of my life because i can’t just erase everything. and even if i could i don’t think i would. i’m always going to feel for him. and it will always be love. and i just don’t think love goes away. i also doesn’t think it’s born. i think it just exists and you recognize it when you’re with someone. and then you know forever.

i exercised today. woot. go me. it was not nearly as horrifying as i expected it to be, i think. i was really worried that i would ache a lot after or during the actual exercise but so far i feel fine and i’ve napped for about 4 hours (which was maybe more than i slept last night) so i think i’m pretty well accounted for not being too achy tomorrow. i’d never been inside the student recreation and wellness center until today and it lived up to my expectations. my ocd causes me to really like how all of the exercise equipment is from the same company and thus matches ascetically. my favorite machines are the stretch machine because it makes it really easy to stretch and the crunches machine because i hate doing crunches. next time i go i’ll probably take a cd player or something to keep myself better entertained. steve and i are planning on going back on thursday at about 11 and working out until noon and then doing a yoga class. next week we’re considering the addition of breakfast to the tuesday-thursday workout regime. whee.

i’m still pretty stressed out about my summer. for those of you who were disinterested yesterday, i managed to get the comforter situation down to one sheet and one comforter. though the comforter is indeed too small. i’m also pretty convinced i want the microsuede comforter on overstock.com but probably not until i live in an apartment-house this fall.

i need to talk to the jump start coordinator sometime this week which i keep forgetting to do.. maybe she’ll be around tomorrow when i’m driving home from kc after picking up jotto-matic and having lunch. we can only hope.

i bought the Catechisms of the Catholic Church today and I’m planning on cracking into that belief structure soon. As of right now, the conversion is still mostly on target. But i’m going to study a lot before I join. Which is going to make the confirmation process pretty boring. Heh.

If anyone wants to prep LD for 05-06, call me.

wow. i hate moving in. and i hate that i’m still incredibly stressed out despite the fact that its summer and i’m doing nothing besides working from 7:30-11:30 on some weeknights. I feel like i have so much going on and i’m never accomplishing any of it. my room is still partially packed. i have a pile of stuff to go through, my drawers are too full especially the one that’s supposed to be for socks (who knew it was even possible to have this many?!). oi. jarred came out last night while i unpacked some and we talked for a while and i got most of the big boxes emptied. now i just need to figure out where im going to put the school supplies that i plan on keeping. the correct answer to this question probably is or should be in those bookbags that i brought home and won’t use for the summer. but i still have all three of them to go through. hopefully i can get that done tonight and get my room put together. I would also be really smitten if i could get a new comforter for my bed. maybe overstock.com still has microsuede that are fairly cheap. i’d be a very happy duck if that were true. and then my room would at some point look decent. as of right now i have 2 comforters (1 brown, red, blue, and green stripes with fake texturing; 1 pink and orange hawaiian flowers) a sheet (those pink and orange flowers on a white background) and a blanket (yellow in an attempt to make the part of my bed that’s visible match my walls which are this beautiful forest green). augh. my dogs ruin everything. and i kind of despise them for it. but i love them more than i love having a matching room.. i just wish that things matched some you know? like it never ever feels clean in here because i always have this ridiculous bed. did i mention all the comforters, sheet, and blanket is for a twin bed on my full-double. Eegh. I’m going to go back to cleaning in an attempt to work this whole mess out. Will someone buy me a few shelves? my parents are psychotic about letting me build the ones i want :-/ and they’d be so cute. Like angled V’s that the books can sit on. except the vertex would be 45 degrees so they could lay flat and these would appear in random places around my room to display books by subject. awh. a girl can dream. . .

so its summer, yippe-ki-yi-yay-motherfucker. i still have so much i want to do and feel like i don’t have the time to do it.. but you know.. that’s pretty much what summer is. and i’m sure that next week i’ll pass out for like 5 days and only get up to do the things i have to (work) and then go out after that. it shouldn’t be so bad when i get down to it.

it appears that the in-thing to do regarding summer’s start is to make lists of goals and then go about the summer trying to accomplish them. i’m going to follow the trendsetters and make a list of things to do:

1. learn polish by july 9
2. write poetry more
3. exercise
4. consume more water than soda
5. clean the house for mom
6. see my friends a lot
7. remember who is in town this summer that i didn’t know last summer:
a. annaleighzard
b. marcus
c. the hot young republican
8. prep for LD next year
9. read more things that matter to fight Beatty in class next year
10. make a list of the classes i need to take next year
11. create some system of organization i can stick to next year
12. drink more chai
13. start smoking cigarettes
14. play my guitar more
15. actually write those speeches jim wants me to write

that’s my summer. try to pick certain goals of mine and keep me on task via fighting me or calling me or something.

i’m moving out of the dorms today. this means that i am entirely packed up and for some reason i’m moving out a lot more than im moving in, go figure. i have three huge boxes full of stuff one of which is probably mostly trash but i’m too lazy to go through it.. the other two are all clothes. then i have a box of purses, bags and misc items, a box of books, a box of shoes and misc items, a box of random papers that i think i moved in in the same status or else they came out of a bookbag which seems more likely, two full bookbags, a lamp in a box, a duffell bag that has lip gloss spilled all over the bottom of it so i can’t use it or empty it yet… grah. next week when i get to move back into my house is going to be awesome. growl.

this is pretty sad. is been like since august so that’s 9 months that I’ve lived here and its the first place other than my parents house that I’ve lived and even though I switched rooms this is still really hard to do because i’m leaving everyone and i’m so sad about it. i’ve met so many great people this past year and had so much fun hanging out with people and learning from myself and them.. its awesome.

i also miss steve a whole lot. we’ve been hanging out civilly again which is good because for a while there we’d hang out but it was just like us fighting for the whole time. i’m really glad that things are nice between us again. i got really reminiscent of him today while i was taking all of my stuff down because there are so many memories of him, etc.

Man, i was thinking about how I only get 3 more years of this stuff.. whoa. i don’t know what i’m gonna do.. this is probably the happiest i’ve ever been with myself (even though i’ve hated myself the past few weeks) and i don’t know… its just all crazy. and i’m all happy and i’m going to miss everyone very very very very much.