Category: Journal

i have one class left for this week because i’m taking tomorrow off to judge student congress and ld at the high school. i’m at least mostly excited about it. although i have to admit that i’m dreading judging a full day of congress and home that maybe i’ll get at least one full session off :-/ oi. i’m just worried i’ll give them all ones for giving the same speech. because i hate that. and if they are like the 6th speaker on the same side of a topic they should probably get a one. and if they can’t speak on the other side of the topic they should probably get a 1. and if i get really fucking bored they should probably just get a 2 or something. even if their speech is great. i’m like the best judge ever. represent the personal biases. i should work on that. i guess i’m not really that biased i’ll just judge on really weird things or get angry about weird things i should say because i don’t even actually give downs to people who use gender language even though that REALLY angers me.

speaking of gender language, i think genderless pronouns are about one of the worst ideas i’ve ever heard. first of all, i was introduced to them mostly in the context of “maybe we could use this word to give transexuals a gender.” AUGH! the problem with this line of analysis is that its completely ignoring the fact that transexuals consider themselves to be gendered. so if you’re going to say that we should have the genderless pronouns Ze and Hir and use them only in cases of neutral people then you have to actually have neutral people to use them on. and transexuals are not neutral people. in fact, even saying that is really ignorant and pretty offensive. so i got really angry, and i probably should have brought up this point in class because i have friends who are at the very least questioning which sex they should have been assigned and to define them as something other than the gender they believe they are is revolting. also, i think it creates a huge problem when it destroys the ability of individuals to communicate with each other. why don’t feminists just create their own gender-free language where everyone is a ze and hir and then try to point out to all of those non-feminist zes some overwhelming political message using words that don’t actually exist in the english language. that’ll be a good way to get change to occur.

i, for one, do not support irrational behavior on the part of feminists.

ps. why don’t we get our head out of our ass and stop screaming about how suzie can’t be a boy scout and start writing some letters to real places of gender inequality? like whoa.

sometimes, i pretty much hate my ability to slack off like mad and have things still work out. for instance, about two weeks ago my laptop started acting really insane in terms of how it wanted to charge which was basically never. so sometime last week the little machine finally hit its wits end and the charger just fried itself. i put off buying a new one because i don’t like to spend money but finally have to get one yesterday because i had about 11 pages worth of writing due today. So i start the writing around 4 pm yesterday afternoon and write some. then at like 4:30 i decide to pay attention to the grudge so that there is a risk of scariness in the movie. the movie was remotely scary but i thought it was all culty and cool and really it wasn’t much of either. but the little boy was kinda cute. i start writing again after the movie at about 7 and write until i decide i should probably leave joe’s apartment since its only me and brian there. i went to lolas and ran into steve so i worked on the paper and talked to him for a while then i got chinese food and was back in the dorms writing said paper until about 11:30 when it was finished and i had only my womens studies journals to tackle.

at this time, i voted that my roommates continuing cohabitation could not be tolerated and left the room for joe’s place. good going, jess-rah. i took a shower there (with conditioner, bitches.) and then madeline came by for a while. talking to madeline was nice but she was definitely more than freaked out by group-interaction jess especially around brian, britain, travis, and joe. oi. so scary we be. this lead to the inevitable “i can’t speak to you ever again except for next wednesday when we’ll be at the same concert” discussion. i’m just kind of letting her do whatever. cos i don’t really believe we’ll ever actually quit talking. and hey, her hair is all shortish and cute now because its growing out nicely.

i began writing the journals at about 1 and finished what i could do by like 2ish. of course at this point i was trying to write something about how the patriarchy can no longer save our young men but instead it came out as “in order to fully escape oppression we must reject and escape the capitalist framework.” WHAT THE HELL!? tired jess just starts uncontrollably typing communist propaghanda and only stops after realizing that it doesn’t fit what she was saying in that paragraph at all. oi. i decided to forgo finishing the journal and sleep for a few hours. so i go to sleep around 2:35 and wake up at like 7 to start writing. 7 turned to 8 fairly quickly and then i finished the journals in approx a half hour and ran over to henderson to print everything i needed for the day then went to my 9 o’clock class with my work for the day completed. slam. wham. bam.

it should also be mentioned that i completed all of that days activities with a mild hangover (mostly just patterned nausea). Joe, Travis, Trista and I went to Lawrence to party with some kids from Silver Lake (Augh! SILVER LAKE! Augh!) Have no fear, dear reader, I had dated zero of the silver lake kids at this party. So the night goes like this: Jess gets really trashed then passes out at about 3:30 am and wakes up again at 4:45 am to the sound of the stereo clicking in a desperate attempt to find a cd so she turns it off and goes back to bed for a half hour then gives up. it was at 5:20 when i gave up on sleeping again that night that i decided to go to Java Break (when in lawrence . . . ) so i look next to me (or near me you know) where Joe fell asleep and find an empty space. i wander around the house looking for him and attempt to call his cellphone but only succeed in finding his cellphone until i decide to give up my search and go to sit in the garage where I can have some light for a while. strangely, I discover Joe asleep on the couch in the garage. Basically, i just listened to him breathe for a few minutes then decided I was going to JB with or without him and he might as well tag along. So i wake him and we go to java break and spend a few hours there while i finish off a sex bomb and he has hot cocoa and we talk about lots of issues for a while.

He let me see his incan face. Mmm.

ps. juice stop cures hangovers for short enough time periods.

So much alcohol this weekend and all I have to show for it is that i joined/created a gang.

Rule number 1: It’s not cheating if it’s a Chupacabra.
Rule number 2: Steve cannot be a Chupacabra.
Rule number 3: All Chupacabras must be initiated as Chupacabras.
Rule number 4: Fine, Steve, you can be a Chupacabra.
Rule number 5: The Ninja Fox Doctrine
Rule number 6: Chupacabras do not eat cocaine.
Rule number 7: Jerking off rules.
Rule number 8: Bone Check, Homie, Bone Check.
Rule number 9: Once a Chupacabras, always a Chupacabras.
Rule number 10: Chupacabras do not ride Mogos.

she called to say she’s sorry for the other night and she thought that maybe if we didn’t talk we could accomplish something by way of not calling each other drunk at 3 am. she alluded that maybe we could go out sometime. i said i’d love to . . .

my thighs have been involved in many accidents
and now i can’t get insured
and i don’t need to be lured by you
my cunt is built like a wound that won’t heal
and now you don’t have to ask
because you know how i feel
-ani
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we’ve been talking about vietnam a lot in my international politics course and its been making me think a lot about how and why i’m a pacifist. joe, brandon, etc. bring up the argument that without war the holocaust probably would have kept going or at least succeeded in killing everyone but the aryans. but i think there is a difference between war and intervention. like it obviously is not okay for hitler to declare war on non-aryan people by way of killing them off in these systematic execution “camps.” also, declaring war on neighboring nations isn’t justified. however, the United Kingdom going to war with Germany and other nations doing the same is probably justified. similar situations on both counts are probably the same. situations like iraq and vietnam get really messy then. because i’m not sure that its necessarily possible that one nation has the ability to decide it should be the nation that intervenes, and usually i think the decision to intervene is “the right thing for the wrong reasons.” this is my current theory on war and intervention.

last night i was sleeping (approx 3:03 am) minding my own business when my cell phone rang and it was pretty much of course madeline. but i woke up in a pretty good mood and grabbed my phone and looked to see who was calling and determined it was her and was like “oh yea, madeline. i haven’t spoken to her in a while…” and it doesn’t occur to me that three am madeline phone calls only have one message. so i answer. and she retorts my hello with an “oh you’re awake?” and i was like “well yeah. i mean. i was by my phone.” and she said “i was just calling to say i love you and i don’t think we should speak again.” this is ridiculous for a variety of reasons. first, not talking to each other generally just makes us more crazy. or at least i get more insane. because daily i have to make up reasons not to talk to her. like “i shouldn’t call madeline today because she’s insane.” or “because she’s bad for me” or because “i hate her.” and none of these things are true. we’re both pretty insane. and if she’s bad for me then i’m bad for her but i think deep down she’s been nothing but good for me. and i definitely don’t hate her. instead we have this rather bizarre love hate relationshp where i just can’t make her get out of my head enough to deal wtih her. and this basically keeps her on my mind all day every day if we’re not speaking. now i can be like “well i’ll call her when i have time.” or “maybe we could go get coffee sometime” but instead i have to be psychotic about it and be concious of my not calling her at every given moment in a day. thus i get mostly insane. and i basically convince myself that she’s something that she isn’t.

which is to say i convince myself i dont’ want to talk to her all the while knowing that i do. which isn’t very convincing by definition.

so last night i attempt to convince her that we really should still speak to each other and maybe we could go out and get food sometime. but i don’t think i was successful. mostly i don’t remember what happened. just that she said she hated me and i cried. but now that i think about it i don’t know if she actually said she hated me. i do know that i cried.

the leadership institute leadership day is this friday and they have a banquet for lunch near the beginning of it. this includes three sandwich choices: beef, ham, or turkey. which does not include any sort of remotely vegetarian options for me to eat. which makes me extremely angry. i feel like less of a person when they push me out of their little omnivorous world. and i hate it because there isn’t a whole lot i can do about it. i’m vegetarian and this is my choice not to eat meat and at this point cheating just a little would make me sick.

as the title suggests, joe and i went to garden city yesterday. it was about the funnest thing ever. i like to think that we subconciously gained inspiration for this trip by watching nappy d. you know the part where the kid is like “what are you gonna do today napoleon?” and nappy d is like “whatever i wanna do! gosh.”? well this was pretty much just like that. except the kid would be tonya. and throwing an action figure out the window would be driving to garden city and annaleigh has to fit in somewhere too on the grounds of she’s the one with the idea about the vietnamese. alright. it goes like this. joe and i went to this things on mexicans and the meatpacking industry in garden city on friday as was documented on friday-saturday. we decide at the thing that we should go to garden city but as i had work both friday and saturday those days were out. so we wait until sunday. until saturday night it was pretty unclear as to whether or not we were actually going but we both adore road trips and its some bizarre joke on tonya (= girl on forensics squad who is obsessed with garden city). so on saturday night it becomes clear to both of us that neither of us is going to back out of the trip. so joe, steve and i watch this woody allen flick that steve picked out and was actually pretty brilliant (Hollywood Ending). when steve went home joe and i watched some family guy that i slept during and then went to bed (i basically just staid asleep on the couch).

joe went to mass then at 7 am and came back to his apartment at about 930 ish with doughnuts which is when i realized we were actually going. so i took a shower and attempted to look kind of alright. and then i called my mom and pseudo-swindled her permission for the deal. we left town at like about 10:23 am i believe and we kept record of what happened, via saying “Let the record show…” and then we would record that fact. This record pretty much demonstrates our insanity as we stayed on the road and day turned into night and hays turned into oakley turned into garden city turned into dodge turned into snoooooooow.

topeka to abilene was relatively uneventful. it occured to us sometime in topeka that neither of us actually had a mapquest explaining how to get there. this turned out to be what might be considered our downfall. we had talks about manhattan and whether or not it was actually close. i pointed out where timothy mcveigh rented the uhaul they used to be motherfucking terrorists with… typical kansas tourism hyjinks for that area.

abilene to lucas was probably the exciting part of the trip. seeing the attractions of abilene (ie the lot that used to be a uhaul rental and the holiday inn i once stayed at) gave us the adrenaline necessary to continue. there had been talk of plans for lunch in salina, originally with clayton but he kinda was busy, but we drove through it instead because joe didn’t stop and i didn’t care. we eventually stumbled upon a sign that said “Garden of Eden Lucas, KS 16 miles” So we turned off of I-70 and went to see the garden of eden which is this absolutely bizarre sculpture garden made by this pretty groovy populist in the 1920-30s. It depicts scenes that are anti-big business and anti-discrimination as well as scenes from genesis, though basically just adam and eve and cain and abel. his house was tourable too. that was mostly just really creepy because the fourth room we entered was the bedroom and the only accompanying plaques said “Dinsmoor [the guy who made the sculptures and the house] died in this room.” augh! so creepy. why coudln’t they just say something nice? also bizarre about the house was over 600 varieties of barbed wire displayed on this tack board.. it was so weird. as if the house wasn’t bizarre enough. then outside there was the sculptures and the mausoleum that contained the body of dinsmoor and his first wife. his first wife was in a concrete coffin underneath him but he was in a mostly concrete coffin that had a glass part where you could actually see the body. it was pretty insane, i’m not going to lie.

lucas to garden city was done in a weird way. we should’ve turned in hays but drove through hays for kicks instead and then went to ellis where we were told that oakley then south was the easiest way. which is a lie. so we drove out to oakley on i70 then south a lot until we got to garden city. we orginially went to garden city for this vietnamese restaurant and the joke on tonya. but we were zizeked a little because the vietnamese restaurant was closed. but i still felt really satisfied. i didn’t want the vietnamese food anymore i just wanted to be in garden city. so we arbitrarily chose a mexican restaurant that was amazing and had really phenomenal service. the el camino even had a vegetarian combinations section. i was a happy little camper. at this point we were foucaulted when we selfpoliced ourselves from attempting to hit on the waitress because we care about our significant others and they could find out.

garden city to topekapost mexican food we drove back to topeka and this time took the “short way”. we were a little concerned that it took us at least 2 hours more to get out to garden city than it should have even give our huge detour to lucas and back. so we went through dodge and hwy-50 was just a fucking mess. it was so snowy out there and i could barely tolerate it plus joe had to just guess and check drive because we’d never seen the highway in daylight to know what it was like. and we couldn’t see it at all in the night. good thing western kansas = no trees = no deer.

we got pretty insane trying to deal with the snow.. i made a few phone calls to figure out exactly which way we were going and as soon as we were on hwy-56 that wasn’t also hwy-50 it wasn’t as bad and by i-183 it was barely raining but we could see the raod again. Little did we know, things were about to go terribly awry.

joe almost ran a stopsign when the visibility was still really low but stopped when he saw it and i announced that he should probably stop. as we stop we note a state trooper turning to go the opposite way on the highway. but no big deal. because almost not stopping is not a crime. but joe has this thing where he looks at medians as “suggestions”. and he may or may not have swerved past it a few times. thus we get pulled over. and the trooper comes up and is talking to us and pretty much convinced we’re drunk. because we can’t explain to our friends that really know us why we’re going to garden city let alone an officer of the law. then we realize that joe doesn’t have his proof of insurance because he cleaned his car and this got taken inside during the cleaning. we also can’t get the glove compartment open so we become positive that it is in there. and the cop takes joe’s missouri license (funny story, joe had two because they never switched his missouri car registration to kansas which they were supposed to do…) and the cop goes away. in the meantime i manage to break the door off of the glove compartment, of course discovering no insurance, so joe and i shove the door back on and just pretend that we never got it open in the first place. the cop comes back after a long time and asks joe if he has a kansas license. joe throws around some bullshit about him not knowing if it were in affect yet and we get off with a warning for failure to maintain a lane. problem: joe’s missouri license is confiscated which sucks because some people were only friends with joe because he had two licenses.

by this point in the trip we became both awake and still really retarded. so we were pretty much like idiot savants where our savant was that we could stay awake and say really stupid things for long amounts of time.

again, it was about the funnest thing ever.
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it snowed this evening. i know that mom doesn’t really love the snow or anything but i kinda like it and i think its absolutely beautiful tonight. when i drove into work there were these huge flakes falling and collecting in a powder on the ground. it just made everything look so nice an innocent and it really wasn’t that horrible to be out in, either.

joe and i went to a seminar/lecture on mexicans and meatpacking, speaking specifically of garden city. we tried to get tonya to go but we couldn’t find her. annaleigh also refused so we just went alone. it was actually a pretty good experience. they talked a lot about how beef is packaged which made me pretty glad i wasn’t eating it. that was about all that the seminar covered. afterward we talked to the speaker and he was talking about how cosmopolitan garden city is and how we should probably go there. so joe and i are going to go to garden city. we’ll take lots of pictures for tonya. w00t.

steve and i hung out tonight and i cried about my uncle again. this time i think i was actually sad and not just angry. its hard to remember he was a human being too. and subject to human being misery and anger and happiness and love even. i don’t know. i still resent him for a lot of what he’s cause his entire family even in the things he did pre-death. it gets a little better every now and then though, and i think eventually i’ll be able to actually grieve. oi. its such a long process.