Author: Jess

jarod has been really sad lately. because of amy. i guess. and because of me maybe a little too. i don’t really understand any of it. because he swore to me that he did not love amy when he and i were together but i always had my suspicions. i asked him point blank on more than one occasion and he was always like “no i don’t” “she hurt me too bad for me to ever care about her like that again” blah blah blah. he just loved her before he dated me and loved her after. right. at least i’ve never denied loving anyone. he still swears he didn’t love her when we were together which is probably why they got drunk and “touched” each other but “stopped before anything happened” because he “cared about me” but his way of “caring about me” was going to lawrence to see amy because he hadn’t seen her in a while and wouldn’t for a while, which was a fucking lie because it didn’t happen and where was i? i had one night that i could see him which was my first in two weeks and my last for about two weeks… and at that point i’d been upset because he’d never do a thing to see me. i remind you: he’d drive to goddamn lawrence but if i asked him to come out here or if i just asked him if i could drive to his house and we could go out on a real outing the way people that don’t live in their bedroom all the time do he wouldn’t do it. because he hated going out. and he hated doing anything with me. and most of the time i felt like he didn’t even want to be around me.

and now this. amy apparently upset him (again… again i quote “she hurt me too bad for me to ever care about her like that again”) and he’s really sad about it.. which sucks. i wish he werent sad. i really hope he can find someone that makes him happy, but fuck dude. you can’t be happy with someone else unless you’re happy with yourself. and that takes work. and that takes more than chasing amy. pun intended. except unintended in one way.

i really care about jarod. really, i do. i want the best things in all of the world to come to him and i want to see him do really well in life. he was one of my best friends for 5 months and i can’t just kill any attachment. i just wish he’d think about things before getting so sad about them. life is sad sometimes. but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be happy. things only get better if you make them that way. and i wish i could make him better. i wish that i could do something that would make him not be so sad because i hate seeing him this way. madeline asked the other day if i thought i could see him again… but now he’s like retroactively happy. i don’t think he would want me back (i just get that impression because he’s so mother-fucking-in-love with amy.) but even if he did i’d feel like he was (buh-bah-buh-bah-this-is-the-sound-of) settling. and i think he doesn’t realize that he wasn’t happy with me either.

this is just like in valencia when iris isn’t enough for michelle. even though she missed her like crazy when they weren’t together anymore. i’m not enough. no one will be enough though. cos love isn’t about what is or is not enough. its about what is. and i think we weren’t.

i think the worst part is that he doesn’t even see that i hurt too.

i’d like to state for the record that we broke up because i felt like i was the only part of the relationship that was active and that we didn’t get back together because he just-so-happened to cheat on me the day before we “took some time” and kept acting like that was the problem in our relationship.

we gots the no communication.

i think my psyche has finally readied itself for college. i had a dream last night that i had a baby. there was no labor accompanied with said baby, at least in the dream, but i knew it was mine. and i was as old as i am now in the dream as well. i had been at some school rally (seaman like one of those cookouts i never went to during homecoming week) and i came home and i had this beautiful little baby girl. everyone loved her so much. and i remember feeling so incredibly comfortable with the baby. there was this one time where she was asleep and i woke her up just so that i could play with her because i couldn’t leave her alone because i loved her so much. and we took her to the mall and she screamed at cried there because she hated malls. lol. she looked just like madeline. and i was taking her to see madeline while i was waking up. the whole time i kept thinking about how i didn’t know how i could’ve had a baby cos i’d had a period while id been in boston and that was only like 2 months ago. hrm. it was a very nice dream though. and i loved the baby so much. i woke up with that semi-relieved feeling, cos honestly: me, a baby? and also feeling really happy about the world in general.

the college link is that all of my poetry was about abortions when i was making my college decision. and i felt like a part of me was dying just because i had to move out of my past. i think deciding what college to go to was one of the biggest, most difficult decisions of my life because it really does decide like everything. and i’m really happy that i’ve decided on washburn.. i can’t wait to go. school starts on august 16 and i move out on august 8th and its all this really exciting new adventure. it’s just insane. and i’m incredibly excited about all of it. and i think my brain is too now.

on the other side of things: the baby didn’t have a name.. but i’m totally naming my baby girl Ch’i. with the apostrophe.

i added a bunch of poetry and prose from od. it spans from march through may and is sprinkled at its correct dates through the existing poetry and prose sections. it might require some digging to find.

i spent most of my week working. 32 hours. plus about 10 minutes, but does that really count? nope. the rest of the time was with youth council for the most part. we all went out monday evening (we = anthony, me, danielle, leandra) and then on tuesday danielle, leandra and i went to see farenheit 911 which i didn’t like because i thought moore was pretty misleading at parts and that was unfortunate. but the film was pretty well put together as editing goes.

wednesday i went out with madeline in town and yesterday i went to see her too. her hair is fun now that its starting to grow into a buzz cut. its insane how fast hair grows though. my goodness. i’ve really missed the girl. its hard to believe that we ever didn’t talk. because we fall so easily back into everything. its nice though. to have someone i can talk to about everything.

josh and i hung out today. i’m going to miss him so damn much when college starts. i’m gonna have to drive to K-State like every day. he’s really progressed into my best friend. its strange too because in 9th grade he was quoted as telling nicole ‘well we can all see the influence that jess has had on you’ and now i’m i guess being a bad influence on him. lol. just kidding. i think we’re both positive influences on each other. and i like to think i’ve grown up to be a good upstanding young citizen. lol. i’m glad we’ve gotten past all of that. i don’t know where i’d be without him.

i read survivor by chuck palahniuk this week. it wasn’t his best book by any means. it was pretty good though as books go. i mean, i like him a lot more than a lot of other authors.. but invisible monsters is by far the best. and i wouldn’t agree with the critic on the back cover that calls this his “deadpan peak” cos man i’ve read much better stuff out of this guys mouth. maybe my problem is that it just wasn’t believable or shocking enough. jess and her high standards. man.

last week i also finished reading cunt and we went out for july 4th. it ended up just lacey, josh, and i at the lake which is how it should be as they’re my two favrorite people to be in a group with in the whole world. we had a really nice time. even if we did make fun of things a lot. i always get a nice fuzzy feeling on july 4th. maybe its all the inhaled smoke? lol.

i just watched monster ball which i rented on my way home from work tonight. it was very good. it was also really depressing. but i guess it ended well, even if it was cryptic in the last scene. the directing was very well done. and for a girl that’s completely in love with billy bob thorton and knows that halle berre is attractive… i’m satisfied with it. the sex scenes were a lot more real than most of the other ones i’ve scene. and i think this was the second time i’d seen the sex scene (channel surfing when we had premium cable) and the third time i’d seen the lead in to the sex scene. it’s all very well done. not to mention, the actors are fabulous. its all very believable, even though i don’t think it should be. just because of all the crazy shit that happens. man.

madeline shaved her head. i’m not positive what i think of it. its such a huge change. i’m sure i like it though. i just miss her hair a little too.

in other news, i finished reading still life with woodpecker by tom robbins. it was wonderful. i’m not sure that i can really choose a favorite Tom Robbins book though. i just know that i really liked this one. he talked a lot about lunar cycles and how women can pattern their bodies with the cycles of the moon. very fun. lunaception i think he called it, maybe? the book that i’m reading now is cunt by inga muscio and she spent a lot of time talking about lunar cycles and menstruation, etc. it’s really excellent. apparently, instead of tampons and pads of any variety.. women have the option of using sea sponges. the book suggests doing this to destroy the male monopoly on the female “hygeine” industry. definitely worth looking into. i think that overall, i really like the book thus far. i’ve read about 65 pages of it just in this shift of work and it reads really smoothly. her writing style is fairly fluid (to use my favorite word for literature) and easy to read. yum.

i went to kansas city with sarah yesterday to buy tickets for my flight. because apparently delta can’t handle paper vouchers over the internet. and i can’t really bitch about that because they did just like GIVE me 200 dollars. and all i did was not get on a plane. for four hours. whoa. i fly from kansas city to missouri and should get into reagan at 11ish and then on the way back i fly to atlanta and should get in at approx. 11ish. hardcore. i’m so excited.

the other nice thing about the trip was that it granted some time for sarah and i to just talk. i really care about her a lot. she’s always been one of my better friends and i hope that she knows how much i love her. we had a good time driving around being lost in kansas city. (lol. my parents don’t let me drive out of topeka much). then we got chipotle burritos (makes homer face) in lawrence and stopped by one of her friends houses for a little while. i had a super nice time.

i hung out with kyle last weekend. i don’t believe i’ve talked about it yet but itw as a lot of fun. he’s a really kickass boy and we always have a good time around each other. it was crazy though. reminiscing about being almost-sophomores and spending all of our summer together. we were really a strange non-relationship. kids can be so silly.

these are the books i’ve read this summer.
sexual politics by kate millett
lucky by alice siebold
valencia by michelle tea
welcome to the monkey house by kurt vonnegut, jr.
still life with woodpecker by tom robbins.

tom robbins makes the gills on peachfish tingly.

so i dropped philosophy/ethics and added college algebra. i also devised an entire list of classes i have to take to graduate. ethics was not on the list. which is slightly unfortunate. but i guess world religions is and that sounds muchos exciting.

my trip to dc will include me rooming in Daniel’s apartment. mom really wishes i’d stay with a girl but i don’t really know any girls there less justine and i don’t really know justine that well. plus daniel has an apartment and everyone else i know does not. i’m so excited about the trip. i heart dc.

i meant to blog about this too. but its serious. so i suppose it needs an additional entry. i watched real world all day today. well i went out with josh for a few hours but i watched a LOT of real world. and the last episode i saw before leaving for work was the one where frankie cuts herself. and i realized when i saw what it was doing to Julie (maybe her name isn’t julie.. but whatever). i don’t think i ever thought about what it did to other people when i did it. i guess that’s obvious because when i thought about that i didn’t do it. it’s really hard for me to figure out. because i know what it does to me when i’m close to other people who do it. i know i’ve grown up a whole lot over the past few years. in the past year i’ve only acted on the desire to harm myself one time. unfortunately, that was only a few weeks ago. regardless, i was able to realize that what i was doing was stupid and only going to make me angrier with myself later so i stopped before i did any damage. and i was still really angry with myself later.

i suppose this entry is meant to be both an apology to those i hurt when i was hurting myself as well as a thank you for those who supported me and understood how difficult it was to take control of my own situation. thus, i’m sorry; thank you.

i enrolled yesterday. so far my schedule for college doesn’t look too terribly bad. in fact, i’m kind of looking forward to most of the classes. although i keep freaking out about the whole thing. change really bothers me. but everyone knows that about me by now i suppose. shrug. here goes:

monday/wednesday
10-10:50 ? French
11-11:50 ? US Government
1:30-2:45 ? Ethics

tuesday
10-10:50 ? French
11-12:15 ? Leadership
1-2:15 ? Public Speaking

thursday
11-12:15 ? Leadership
1-2:15 ? Public Speaking

friday
10-10:50 ? French
11-11:50 ? US Government

not too bad, right? i’m kind of afraid that this will lock me into a science/math semester. but hopefully i’ll AP out of the math stuff and then i can work on science of some sort. possibly behavioral. idk. i should look into that when i get off work.

i saw madeline last night and had an awesome time. we watched a lot of buffy on dvd. embarassing realization of last night no. 1: i really like Buffy the Vampire Slayer the series. no joke.

i went to see another roadside attraction play at the boobie trap with schemata (i think) and the velvet hammers. lol. i can’t believe i went to another show at the boobie trap and saw the velvet hammers. argh. although i think i should probably give greg and tim a lot more credit than i do. their band is good at all their instruments and they sound really well together, its just not particularly my style of music. idk. ARA was really good though. Chad sounded a lot better than he had on the demo… maybe it was just a bad voice day for him or whatever but he definitely rocked last night. even jarred said that it was good. and jarred doesn’t like much music. i was out till about two (the show then denny’s) and i’m pretty sure i’m going to smell like cigarettes and alcohol for the rest of the weekend. dammit. i feel pretty dehydrated too. i swear i have to have water like minute that i wake up or i feel like shit all day. it really blows.

i’ve been cyclicly depressed lately. most of yesterday morning i felt like slicing my wrists (i mean that in the non-threatening sense of the phrase) in the back room. maybe its because i’ve been avoiding everyone at work lately because i honestly feel stupider at that job. all i do is alphabetize. i mean, god, what did i do to deserve this? i thought i was smart. no. i’m working with a group of wonderful people but my mind is absolutely never exercised. augh! i have to start debates in my head with myself. yesterday i was filing returned envelopes and trying to hammer out a mental solution to the problems in israel&palestine. just because i couldn’t tolerate my feeling stupid anymore. but the moral of the story is that i left work at lunch near the crying point. just cos i was really sad, and i like my job for the most part. i mean its really good money and it really isn’t that bad… but i just wasn’t having a good day yesterday. so i got in the car and i called jarod cos i’d invited him to the ara show with me but he said that he didn’t feel like going and never called to indicate otherwise. then, chik-fil-a sounded yummy so i went to the mall for lunch and parked next to sarah’s car so i hunted for her in the mall. she’s working at hot topic now so i got to talk to her for a little while then i got food and by the time i returned to work i was feeling chipper. after work i called jarred to see about the show and he said he’d go so i went to my guitar lesson then came home and finished reading welcme to the monkey house (vonnegut, i loved it) and then we got pizza for me and saw the show. it was a nice time. jarred’s fun because we can keep each other entertained for long periods of time. there’s always tons of good conversation, not to mention that “intellectual stimulation” i’ve felt i’ve lacked for a while.

amelia spoke to me the other night. she called at like 1 am on tuesday, perhaps because that’s when she thought to but i think it has more to do with her knowing she’d get my answering machine. so i got her message and saved it so i could analyze it later.. i was going to call her back last night but she was online wednesday so we talked for a little while and i think things will be alright. sometimes its really hard to judge her. (read: she’s impossible to read). but i think that her “we can still be friends” will be true and probably for the best. i’m going to mail that 10 page letter i wrote her today. so she should get it tomorrow or monday and then all she has to do is read it. she promises she will. (not the first promise she will have broken in the event that she does).

i need a shower. i smell like beer and cigarettes (camel filters). i have to enroll in college today. i’m seeing madeline after enrollment. i owe it to the people giving the scholarships to show up smelling like an upstanding citizen. the problem: i think we’re out of shampoo. oh well, a little conditioner only never hurt anyone. aside from the fact that my hair is grossly greasy i’ll be fine.

ps. i want pj harvey’s new album.